Denial of Responsibility

http://www.kcci.com/article/teen-charged-in-madison-county-bridge-arson-to-use-intoxication-as-defense/11647494

A teenager torches a bridge in Madison County. His excuse is he was drunk and therefore isn't responsible for his actions. After performing an asinine act people often say 'that's not how I normally am, the drugs and/or alcohol made me do it' as i that somehow justifies it. The truth is alcohol doesn't change people, it just helps them be who they really are.

It was always people. They become obnoxious and unbearable when they imbibe. I've always been a loner but alcohol is what pushed me from a simple dislike to an active hatred of people. When I turned 21 while in college, the day before St. Patrick's Day, I learned the hard way that people don't see you as a friend. They see you as a drinking buddy. You exist to reassure them that they're not an alcoholic and if you fail to provide that reassurance then you're lower than a cockroach to them. They'll say to your face that 'they don't care if you don't drink' but you can feel in their voice the contempt they have for you.

The worst part is the denial of responsibility. Whereas seasoned alcoholics will say that the can quit whenever they want to, college kids will say 'I'm too young to be an alcoholic' or 'I only drink socially' or, most annoying of all, 'Don't act like you've never made a mistake'. I've made plenty of mistakes but none of those involved vandalism, assault, arson, breaking into a restaurant and stealing food, or driving drunk and wrecking my car and possibly killing people. And the college circle celebrates this. There are few things I hate more than when people brag about getting arrested for being a drunken douche like it's some accomplishment.

21st birthday

There's a cruel irony in being a teetotaler who turns 21 the day before St. Patrick's Day. I had never been a popular kid (I always hung out on the periphery) but I still figured that people liked me despite my experience in genetics lab. And, in 2010 at least, I had never been coy about my dislike for alcohol. That carried on until March 2011. In a class, I don't remember what the name of the class was, I was set to give a presentation on funeral rituals from around the world. The date was March 11th. When class time rolled around my partner for the presentation didn't. It was just assumed that since he was Japanese he skipped class because he was worried about his family back home. It wasn't anything more than a minor annoyance at the time.

My 21st occurred on the following Wednesday. In the previous months I had seen friends celebrating their 21st birthdays on Facebook, posting pictures with all their friends at some bar. I figured my friends would try to do the same with me or at least make a joke on Facebook. But none of that happened. Whereas most people receive hundreds of 'happy birthday' wishes I got around twenty, mostly from relatives. It hurt deeply. The illusion that anyone liked me was shattered and I needed someone to lean on. For a few months I mostly carried on as if nothing was wrong. Then a female friend took a trip to Costa Rica over the summer.

Must be nice...

Fortunately my 66-hour work week got reduced to a 60-hour work week. How lucky! All of this is gearing up for three 12-hour shifts next week thanks to some numbers that are totally organic and not-at-all made up. This is why it pisses me off to see (mostly) women posting on Facebook about their exotic vacations and daily bar-crawls most likely on their husbands/boyfriends dime while they piss away money on the latest pyramid scheme. How do you avoid going into debt? Do you go into debt and you just don't care? It seems like every month these people are at some new location either within or without the United States. These people still have the gall to complain about their lives. Any "problems" you have are because of your own poor lifestyle choices. Must be nice.

When I think too much

I listen to ASMR videos just so I can hear a woman talking intimately to me. I suppose that has largely to do with me being a kissless, hugless virgin at the age of 27. I'd wager that most, if not all, of my friends from high school and college have been in a relationship at some point in their life and, thus, are not virgins. Most of them are currently in a relationship, half of those are married, half of those already have a kid, and at least a couple of them have two kids. On top of this they take trips to places like Malibu, Hawaii, Costa Rica, or Europe. While I'm set to work a mandatory 66-hour week starting Monday. It's hard not to feel jealous and left in the dust. It's even harder to not think about killing myself. I haven't been this depressed since 2011.

Seeing other people happy just sends me on a downward spiral of self-hatred. I guess it's because it forces me to realize my life has been a complete waste. I never went to any school dances. I didn't get my learner's permit until I was 16 and my license when I was 18. And as I said before I'm still a virgin to this day. Only once in both high school and college did I hang out with "friends" outside of class and work and both times I sat by myself not talking to anyone. I guess that's mostly to do with my (at the time) vocal anti-alcohol attitude. Really it started in the summer of 2010 when a girl I like suddenly cut off contact with me but it wasn't until I turned 21 in March 2011 that the realization that I had no friends hit me like a truck.

Roused from Slumber

We are in the darkness; nameless things with no memory—no knowledge of what went before, no understanding of what is now, no knowledge of what will be.

I wasn't always a prohibitionist. In fact, in high school I was quite laissez-faire towards drugs. Even after two athletes got arrested for possession before the pudgy, conspiracy theorist, class stoner took the fall for the situation. It was all so stereotypical that I thought nothing of it. The first two years of college were largely the same way although there were moments that raised little flags in my mind.

The first came in the fall of 2008 in communications class. We were placed into groups to present a topic of our choice. My group, led by Miss Minnesota, chose to cover marijuana. I even jokingly suggested we have a cop come in to show what marijuana looks like. She seemed serious about it. It stood out that a pageant contestant would stand in the same corner as the pudgy conspiracy theorist from high school. It was sign of my naivete and of the culture shock that awaited me.

The next incident took place in the winter and spring of 2010 in genetics class, or more specifically genetics lab. The lab had six tables. Five tables had four people each while my table had two people: me and a certain girl. This girl would frequently skip lab entirely and on the rare occasions when she did show up she would display behavior that seemed out of place. Slow, quiet, just not there mentally. Normally I would mark this up as just quirky behavior had it not stood out in stark contrast to her behavior in the lecture portion of genetics class: always in attendance, always asking questions. It was from this that I concluded the reason for her lab behavior was a hang over, whether it be alcohol, marijuana, or Xanax. Regardless of the cause, the effect was me having to do the work of four people and, safe to say, I struggled in that class. Things would be quiet until March 2011 which marked the beginning of the worst year of my life.

Happy 4th of July!

The moral of what you've just seen is clear. If you drink, don't drive. And if your wife has had a couple, she shouldn't drive either. You might both just wake up with a whale of a headache in a deserted village in the Twilight Zone.

I hate holidays. I mean, I like that I get a day off from work but I hate that I always spend it alone because everyone else is drinking. Usually I just waste the day on the internet and before I know it it's 11:30 p.m. Sometimes I'll lift weights or go running. I used to go hiking at Ledges all the time but I haven't done that for several years now. What's worse is that my birthday is the day before the national drinking holiday of St. Patrick's Day. That has caused a lot of hardship as an adult. The cruel irony of that. Turning 21 in college on a Friday night the day before St. Patrick's Day when you don't like alcohol.

College changed me for a lot but that will be for another post.