When I think too much

I listen to ASMR videos just so I can hear a woman talking intimately to me. I suppose that has largely to do with me being a kissless, hugless virgin at the age of 27. I'd wager that most, if not all, of my friends from high school and college have been in a relationship at some point in their life and, thus, are not virgins. Most of them are currently in a relationship, half of those are married, half of those already have a kid, and at least a couple of them have two kids. On top of this they take trips to places like Malibu, Hawaii, Costa Rica, or Europe. While I'm set to work a mandatory 66-hour week starting Monday. It's hard not to feel jealous and left in the dust. It's even harder to not think about killing myself. I haven't been this depressed since 2011.

Seeing other people happy just sends me on a downward spiral of self-hatred. I guess it's because it forces me to realize my life has been a complete waste. I never went to any school dances. I didn't get my learner's permit until I was 16 and my license when I was 18. And as I said before I'm still a virgin to this day. Only once in both high school and college did I hang out with "friends" outside of class and work and both times I sat by myself not talking to anyone. I guess that's mostly to do with my (at the time) vocal anti-alcohol attitude. Really it started in the summer of 2010 when a girl I like suddenly cut off contact with me but it wasn't until I turned 21 in March 2011 that the realization that I had no friends hit me like a truck.