I hate my life. Everyday I find the urge to give up increasing. My job has taken away all the joy and desire to do anything other than sleep. I want out.
My class held it's ten-year reunion this weekend. I didn't go, partly because of work and partly because I didn't want to be the loser of the class. That was the hardest truth I've ever had to accept. It pretty much guaranteed that I won't be around for the next one.
Fortunately it's the beginning of autumn so maybe I can find a brief respite from the misery for a few months.
Monday, October 1, 2018
Monday, August 13, 2018
Sky King
Recently a man my age stole an airliner from Sea-Tac airport, performing a loop-de-loop and other stunts before crashing on an island and killing himself. In his conversations with air traffic controllers he remained calm and seemed he was just tired of life.
It's a feeling I've become familiar with since gaining full-time employment. People say you have more freedom as an adult but I've found I have less freedom as I became an adult in both the physical sense and the emotional sense. Prior to December 2014 I had a rather active life: I'd run and lift weights on the regular, I'd frequently go hiking at a nearby state park, I'd go to movies sporadically. Then I got a part-time job and the hikes went away. A couple years elapsed until December 2016 when I got a full-time job in addition to the part-time job. It was Hell. In 2017 there was never a week without mandatory overtime. I quit seeing movies because I never had the time and I quit working out because my body couldn't hold up. It got so bad there were a few weekends where I didn't sleep for over 36 hours. Eventually, the same month I started this blog, I quit my part-time job. The overtime only got worse. It peaked a 66 hours one week, but it regularly fluctuated between 50 and 60 hours for the rest of the year.
A curious thing happened in 2018; I didn't work any overtime from January 1st to July 1st. I was able to start exercising semi-regularly again. I was (somewhat) happy again. But then the 50-hour week hit on the 4th of July with a vengeance. Now 50 hours look to be the norm for the foreseeable future. The only real joy I've had recently is adding piecemeal to a fictional story I've been working on for years. But on Friday I found something I've been missing for two decades: a kindred spirit.
It's a feeling I've become familiar with since gaining full-time employment. People say you have more freedom as an adult but I've found I have less freedom as I became an adult in both the physical sense and the emotional sense. Prior to December 2014 I had a rather active life: I'd run and lift weights on the regular, I'd frequently go hiking at a nearby state park, I'd go to movies sporadically. Then I got a part-time job and the hikes went away. A couple years elapsed until December 2016 when I got a full-time job in addition to the part-time job. It was Hell. In 2017 there was never a week without mandatory overtime. I quit seeing movies because I never had the time and I quit working out because my body couldn't hold up. It got so bad there were a few weekends where I didn't sleep for over 36 hours. Eventually, the same month I started this blog, I quit my part-time job. The overtime only got worse. It peaked a 66 hours one week, but it regularly fluctuated between 50 and 60 hours for the rest of the year.
A curious thing happened in 2018; I didn't work any overtime from January 1st to July 1st. I was able to start exercising semi-regularly again. I was (somewhat) happy again. But then the 50-hour week hit on the 4th of July with a vengeance. Now 50 hours look to be the norm for the foreseeable future. The only real joy I've had recently is adding piecemeal to a fictional story I've been working on for years. But on Friday I found something I've been missing for two decades: a kindred spirit.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Happy 2018!
I survived another year. My goal for the New Year is to slay my personal demons: desires of food, desires of the flesh and other feel-good hedonism that have become so commonplace in society, to start working out more for the health of my mind and body. My ten-year high school reunion is this year and I don't want to be a total loser. Most people think my teetotalism already makes me a loser but I would rather die than compromise my morals to "fit in" with normal society.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)